I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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