So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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