I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I want her autograph on my taint
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Terrible idea I love it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
