your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
