Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
