I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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