I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
