This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
