I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hippo gnu deer
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
