stop calling my apartment porn island.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
