My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
