Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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