His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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