please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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