he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
