one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
