woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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