Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
