I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
