we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
