He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
