I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
