just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
