Cold hands, warm shart.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
