This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
