I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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