I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
