so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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