hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
