sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
