i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
