I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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