Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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