im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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