so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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