I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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