what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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