Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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