Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
