First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
