From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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