I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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