Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
