Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I touched a dick in church today
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
