I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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