Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
