Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
