dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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