It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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