My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
