I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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