She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
