if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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