Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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