yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
