She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
