A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
