Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
