Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
