Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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