just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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