its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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