I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
