Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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