So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
