just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize