im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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