I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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