on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
