the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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