There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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